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I can’t be the good girl you thought I would be

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I can’t be the good girl you thought I would be
I have only carried troubled times on my shoulders
Since I was a little one, when life started fucking me over
I had learnt to live like those bloody leeches in the mud and muck and sucking blood from others whenever I could
And then one day you arrived, and until that day I never realized dreams were painted in hues of the rainbow

Whatever love I can offer, is given by you in the first place
All I had in me were broken edges and thorns laced in venom
I can only offer that version of love which is filled with complaints and sarcasm
Which makes you suffocate with constant display of insecurities
If you are as wonderful as the morning breeze, I probably am that smog that hovers over the slums every morning
If you are like ray of soft sunshine, I am probably that blinding scorching heatwave that makes you see darkness in the middle of the day

Funny how I turn your roses into dried memories
Your poems into my religion
Your songs into my heartbeat
Your kisses into my soul

I have wounds morphed into scars and scabs, and some are still raw
I know not how to hide those ugly sides of me
So that you could have an idol to worship
I pick and itch at the healing scars over and over so that I know I don’t have to live with the false sense of perfection

I know not how to love you
Hurting you and filling you with anger comes easy
Your eyes haunted and furious makes me cry, yet I can’t stop
But then again, I have never been a good girl you thought I would be.

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